Bad Boys’ CX Ultimate Guide

Why Are You Here?

When setting up a Customer Experience (CX) Programme, the first question you should ask yourself is: why? Why do you want to understand your customers’ needs and motivations? Now, don’t strain yourself trying to find the “correct” answer because—spoiler alert—there isn’t one! The only answer that matters is your own. And let’s be honest, if your answer is, “because my competitors are doing it,” or “because our satisfaction targets demand it,” then congratulations, you’ve passed the first test of being a CX bad boy!

Puritanism vs. Realism: Choose Your Side

Puritan CX practitioners will preach endlessly about delighting customers, focusing on their needs, and using feedback as a sacred map to improve your service. But if you’re one of those Puritans, this post is not for you. You might as well stop reading now. This guide is strictly for those who operate in the shadows, wearing their underground black hoodies, and using CX tools for… shall we say, more creative purposes.

Ticking the Boxes: The Art of Looking Good

There’s a special place in CX hell for those half-baked ideas that exist only to tick a box. Take the ubiquitous “Contact Us” sections, for example. They create a lovely illusion that customers can easily reach your company if they have an issue. Yet, when they try, they’re often faced with the labyrinthine challenge of actually finding a phone number or email address. Who hasn’t been stuck in a phone queue for 40 minutes, subjected to looping muzak, only for the call to drop just as you’re about to reach a human? If you’ve engineered that kind of experience, take a bow—you’re mastering the dark art of CX.

Ban Unhappy People

I see more and more companies that take a “one-strike-and-you’re-out” approach, banning customers who dare to leave. It’s the ultimate Dark CX power move: unhappy people, sod off and never come back!

Surveys: Where the Real Fun Begins

Ah, customer satisfaction surveys. Don’t even get me started. We could spend hours dissecting the endless opportunities for bad-boy mischief here. Unclear wording, biased questions, endless forms, broken navigation—honestly, it’s a treasure trove of potential. But let’s stay focused. The key question remains: why are you doing this? What’s your endgame? More often than not, it’s about “showing up” and flaunting your sparkling ratings and 24/7 call centre. But you and I know better, don’t we?

Cooking the Books: CX Metrics and Creative Accounting

For a visual treat, picture this: a company proudly displaying a set of confused, contradictory metrics on its website. One has to wonder—do they not have the slightest clue of what these figures mean, or are we witnessing a masterpiece of CX manipulation? Numbers look impressive but don’t add up. It’s all about using CX metrics to your advantage, even if they have no mathematical integrity. As somebody once said, never let reality get in the way of a good story.

The CX Bad Boy’s Toolkit

Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. How can you, too, master the art of CX mischief? Here are some classic moves:

• Biased questions: Craft your survey questions to lead respondents down a rosy path. For example: “How would you rate our wonderful and price-reduced services that everyone is raving about?” Who wouldn’t want to respond positively to that?
• Timing is everything: Send your surveys at the most opportune moments. Did the customer just snag a promotional discount? Perfect! But if they’ve just lodged a complaint, for heaven’s sake, don’t ask them how satisfied they are—you’re just asking for trouble.
• Cherry-picking respondents: Don’t waste time surveying unhappy customers. Focus on the ones who are likely to sing your praises. Remember, you’re in it for the numbers, not the truth.

And for those moments when things don’t go as planned? Don’t panic. You can always delete those pesky negative responses. After all, who needs that kind of negativity?

Taking It to the Next Level: Fabrication

Why stop manipulating real surveys when you can simply fabricate the entire thing? That’s right—skip the actual survey and jump straight to making up the results. It’s quick, easy, and guaranteed to impress. And remember, no dedicated CX regulator is coming to audit your figures. You’re free to publish whatever you like, as long as it serves your agenda.

A Serious Word (If I Must)

Okay, let’s drop the irony for a moment. While this post is a lighthearted jab at poor CX practices, I want to be clear: I am a staunch advocate for honest, effective CX. Gathering genuine, sometimes brutally honest feedback, and using it to implement meaningful improvements, is invaluable. It’s not just about meeting targets—it’s about building a business that truly serves its customers and, as a result, thrives.

So, while it’s tempting to cut corners or game the system, I hope your real answer to “why” goes beyond just hitting a number. After all, good CX isn’t just good for customers—it’s good for business!

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